Baby Steps

So, I've through my various internet profiles and begun making changes. Nothing big, just changing the gendered pronouns over. It's not that big a step, if I'm honest, and to anybody else they probably haven't even noticed.
But it feels much bigger.
I've been to see the GP, too, which is a much bigger step, and I'm waiting for a referral to a gender clinic. That's a really big step. It's a huge, huge step. It's like a giant leap, and for all my seeming need to constantly keep moving, I don't do giant leaps. I can do baby steps, they're easy. I can do baby steps because I know exactly where I'm putting my feet, but bigger steps and it becomes harder to know where you're going to land. I don't like not being the one in control, and I don't like not being the one with the power, which right now I'm not. I go the the gender specialist when I get my referral and things start moving out of my hands, and I don't like that.
I probably wouldn't be writing any of this if I thought more than a couple of people would ever read it. I don't like looking weak, and even I will have to begrudgingly admit I look pretty weak right now, but I guess it's just one of those things. By this point, things really are moving out of my control, even if it's really only just a little, and I guess I'm going to have to to accept that and take that as it comes. I won't lie, I don't like that, but I can give up a little bit of control for this. It'll all be worth it in the end, I'm sure.